October 13, 2024, 10:03 am | Read time: 4 minutes
Even if heartbreak can’t simply be switched off, STYLEBOOK asked a couples therapist how you can get over a failed relationship more quickly and in a healthier way – and received valuable tips to combat heartache.
When a relationship ends, it can be extremely painful. The intensity of it can sometimes make you think you’ll never be happy again. But of course, that’s not true! It is important to face up to the grieving process if you want to get over a breakup healthily. Couples therapist Susanne Brümmerhoff explains this in an interview with STYLEBOOK.
Overview
Stop the contact
If possible, you should stop contact for the time being. Of course, this isn’t easy if you have a child together, for example. Otherwise, the couple’s therapist advises a strict ban on contact. Because: “The idea that you could stay in contact and remain friends rarely leads to a real breakup.” Heartbreak can hardly be overcome in this way. “That’s why you shouldn’t see or hear from each other for at least six months after a breakup,” says Brümmerhoff.
Give reasons why you are not (or no longer) compatible
Even if it may have been different in the past, your relationship is at an end because you and your partner are no longer compatible. There may be various reasons for this. Therapist Brümmerhoff recommends actively keeping these in mind.
“Also, write down why it was the right thing to break up right now,” advises the expert. This can calm you down and also prevent you from falling into unhealthy self-recrimination for not having acted much earlier or, more precisely, for having supposedly wasted time.
Look to the future
The next step is to think about what new experiences you now want to have – alone or with another partner. There are bound to be things that would have been difficult or impossible in your previous relationship. This helps to put a positive spin on the breakup, as it ultimately offers you new opportunities and not just pain.
Carry out a letting go ritual
According to Brümmerhoff, a letting go ritual can also help you to get over a breakup better. This could involve “writing down what you have learned in the relationship and what you are grateful to your partner for. Then picture them in your mind and thank them for what you’ve learned and for the good times.” Beforehand, you should have chosen a symbol for the partnership, which you can now release in a personal, suitable place. “A river, for example, into which you can throw something, or a fire bowl to burn something in, would be suitable,” explains the expert.
A ritual like this can symbolically help you to consciously look ahead and tick off the relationship and any associated problems. After all, what would be the alternative: continuing to deal with what went wrong in the relationship? That’s hardly the way to get over a breakup. In the long run, such a spiral can be very damaging.
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Take your time
It is sometimes said that the mourning period after a breakup is about half the length of the relationship. This would be particularly bad if you are looking back on a 20-year relationship, for example – and is nonsense anyway, according to expert Brümmerhoff. “How long it takes to get over a relationship is very individual,” she says.
However, this also means that you have to give yourself the time you need to process the pain and grief. Fill this time with pleasant moments and surround yourself with people who are good for you. It’s okay not to function one hundred percent for the time being. But please don’t overdo the distraction: Attempts to numb yourself will, at best, only temporarily hide your true feelings and will end up hitting you all the harder.